The obsessive mind. Oh boy. Not sure how many people have it. If you don't, consider yourself the lucky one. While analyzing has always had certain perks in life, over analyzing can cause harm. I don't think I thought much about how much I thought as a child because I was an only child. We think, or talk to animals, or read. When we're with the adults, we listen. Then think. It's just normal and unless you have a lot of friends with siblings you don't learn that not everyone thinks about everything the way you think about everything. I've always been one to replay my day at the end of an evening. Make sure I understand everything that happened in my day, didn't miss anything, and the worst part, realizing things you said might have come out weird, not making sense, or misinterpreted. Those usually came from nerves, but I was also always nervous, so there's that. Most of the times I realized I had a very likely faux pas, I'd turn red with embarrassment, close my eyes really tight, pull the covers up over my face and then pretend like it didn't happen because my eyes are closed now. 🙄 If it stressed me too much I'd try to rectify, which believe me, usually makes it worse. Why, you say? Because no one is spending near as much time as you are thinking of all the ways you f$cked up during the day. If you were misinterpreted, then oh well, next time be less of a dork and try to make sense when you talk or whatever. I mean...unless you think you've hurt someone, which then obviously you'd want to make it right. But yes. Obsessive thinking just shows how much we're into ourselves. But now, try to stop. If you're reading this and you're feeling the familiarity, you've probably told yourself or were told at some point by others...just stop thinking so much. "Ohhhh, right, why didn't I think of that?" "Um because I did, I think about everything remember?" I didn't share this just so I could obsess with you about my obsessiveness. I actually have a point. It's to say you're not alone. A lot of us do it in some fashion or form. And there's hope. As you know, I've been working hard on this crazy brain of mine for the past year and I'm actually learning some super useful things. One of them is tolerating the feeling. I may always replay the day. I find it helps me keep in check, but I don't need to spend the following 3 days beating myself up over the foul ball. I'm learning to tolerate the feeling of embarrassment, then forgiving myself for being human. Trust me, most everybody else that was in that mental video, does not care what you think they care about. If I feel the urge to reach out, I write what I want to say in my notes and I read it 1000x. Most of the time I realize it's not worth sending and will not help what I think is a problem. If by the end, I realize I really must reach out, then I do, but after carefully weighing the risk of reaction and deciding it's better to clarify. The second thing I do, which I need to do more of and I highly encourage you to do if you don't already, is meditate. Sometimes my mind will not be quiet enough for me to do it on my own so I veer towards audio things I can listen to in order to focus my attention. Other times I concentrate on my breathing and with every exhale I breathe out the worry. Logically, I understand worry is wasteful, but for a gal who wants to understand everything, sometimes worry slips in without the invite. The reality is we will never understand everything. Every time I try something new, I will not be perfect at it. Even if I practiced. 😜That's the tips I've gotten so far. I know it's a beast, that brain of ours, but it's also a blessing. It can be used to learn and grow. Every once in awhile we've got to put it in check. So be curious, ask lots of questions, read read read, but remember no matter how good you are at solving problems, puzzles, or equations, some answers only are revealed with time and experience. Sometimes shit clicks much later than we wished. But we're human. It's okay.
Another One... "Will you be heard?"
For those of you who know me, you know I rarely speak about politics. It's a topic I despise most of the time for various reasons. Also, if you know me, you know that I'm not affiliated with any party and rarely agree with all sides, but maybe agree with little from each. I'm writing about this subject today, not because I feel it to be political, rather I feel a passion about what I've learned. Those of you who don't know me likely can make some pretty heavy presumptions, but I can say I'm less likely to fit your stereotype of me than you might think. In fact the only presumption that would likely be 100% correct about me is that when the sun shines on my pale skin, I do in fact turn red. I'm a Christian. If you're not you might be thinking, "oh boy here we go." And I could say I don't blame you. A lot of Christians have made a bad name for Christians, as have muslims for muslims, atheists for atheists, and other religions for other religions. But don't worry, I'm not trying to convert you....I speak of this to remind everyone that some do not equal all. If you believe in something or you believe in nothing, I implore you to still take a chance to allow some of what I say penetrate you. I watch silently most of the time of the horrifying acts of hatred that happen all over our world and even in my own country. My first reaction, much like many of you, is anger. It's unspeakable some of the things that are happening and mind blowing that it's happening in my generation. What I do know though, is hate generates hate. I do know hatred will never get you what you really seek, whether to be heard or seen, etc. Compassion and love will eventually get you what you want. Love does not equal no pain, but it does go far. Nazi's, do you really think you will receive what you seek by spewing hatred, committing violence, causing pain? The rest of us, do you really think the darkness will understand if we spit venom back and do as they do? The key is finding a way to start loving. And those that do, don't give up, don't stop. It's so hard to love when we are thrown nails, but we have to. Once we have the power to actually love one another we have a chance to work together for something greater that all can enjoy rather than small groups. Racism, sexism, hate against religions, hate against anti religions, hate against LGBT, all have no place in this world. We are all here for a reason. We all have the ability to appreciate the beauty in which we were given in human form, just as much as we can appreciate the beauty of the mountains or the oceans. Just stop for a minute and try to love. That's it my rant is over. And I mean if you don't like what I had to say, I'm just a typical la actress so what does it matter?
Chapter 2: How I survived trying to get home from DEFCON
Monday morning...and by morning, I mean noon, I wake up in my comfortable hotel bed, take a nice stretch, then saunter to the bathroom to get ready. Defcon is over, and we're all feeling the weight of having to say goodbye for possibly another year, but at the same time very much ready to get to our homes and back to normal life. I slowly pack up my things and prepare for my 4 hour ride home. My friend calls me and suggest we caravan back to LA, so we came up with a meeting place and headed out on our journey. The majority of the ride was smooth. A breeze through the most of it. Couldn't be more perfect. We finally get to the California AG inspection stop and prepare to slow down. I push the clutch in to change gears. SNAP. The pedal is gone. I immediately veer to the shoulder and wave my friend over. I look down and the clutch is completely depressed. Not good. I pull it forward. It stays. Ok, maybe it will be fine. I press it again. SNAP. It goes all the way back again. I'm screwed. I get out of the car to inspect all around. There's a nice large puddle of fluid on the ground and quite a bit dripping from underbelly. Not good. I call for a tow, and for a million dollars later they say they'll be there in an hour. The sun has gone down and now we are stuck until the truck arrives. Luckily, the truck driver arrives and is cool as shit. He gets my car up on the flatbed and says I can go on without him. He'll make sure it gets to the right place. We continue on our journey and finally make it to Barstow. The half-way point. Yes. We're halfway there. We decide to stop for a bite through the drive through and then jump back on the highway. It was great. We exchanged stories of our Defcon adventures and then all of a sudden there it was. A sea of red. TRAFFIC. At 9:45? Really?! We move along at 1 mph when I look up and see my sweet car in front of me. We caught up to the tow truck. Ted, the driver, and I text back and forth about the fun of the traffic, but we eventually pass him in the left lane. We finally got through 5.5 miles of construction traffic that took over an hour and made it safely back to LALA land. My car made it to the doctor safely and I'll know soon just how sick she really is. I'm thankful to my friend that wanted to caravan, and now I'm going to cuddle with my four-four-legged children. Till next year, Defcon.
Chapter One: How I survived trying to get to #QueerCon
It was a glorious Friday evening as I departed from my friends at Caesars and started my long and treacherous path back to Paris Hotel. There was a slight breeze for the beginning of the walk which my appreciation grew for as I headed down the escalator from Bellagio skywalk to Bally's and the breeze decided to hide. Sweaty and sore, I trekked through the scary crowds of tourists to the hotel and hopped into freezing cold casino floor of Paris. My anticipation of the QueerCon Party had me moving like a speed demon through the sea of people to hurry to my room so I could get ready for my favorite pool party. I hurried to get ready, packed my bag, made a sandwich and then waited for my friends. 10:40 approaches and we are finally on our way to Caesars to catch the shuttle to our night of ridiculous fun. We arrive, take the secret elevator, and walk towards the end of the line. The announcement to pull out id's was called out, so I open my new #Telephreak Bag and dig for my wallet. Which I then remember I didn't pack because of obvious reasons, but I also forgot to pull my license out and at least have that. It was already getting so late, and I didn't want to miss another minute of the party. I offered to show them a picture of it, but unfortunately the real thing was required and I had to race back to my hotel. My Uber driver recognized the urgency in getting there and getting me back to the party and even offered to wait for me. We came up with a plan of action, as I dug around my bag for my room key. "It's not there. Shit." As we approached the drop-off, I released him from waiting..."this might take awhile." "No key, no license, and I'm not on the room. Oh boy." Never to to fear, the hotel was fabulously helpful and I finally reunited with my ID and room key and raced for the elevator. "It couldn't be better, no one is on the elevator. I should be back in an uber in less than 5 min, and will finally be able to enjoy the party." I pulled out my phone to let my friends know "I'm okay and on my way." And then it happened. The elevator jolted. The noise of movement stopped. The C for Casino had turned into two dashes. I was stuck on an elevator. Alone. I immediately opened the phone box and called their emergency line. Told them what elevator I was in and they said they'd send someone at once. I stand around for about 20 whole seconds. Thoughts racing through my head..."was the elevator hacked...are they going to start making it go up at warp speed like in the movies and then drop me from way up high? Oh God. I need to get the f&ck out of here...I'm super late for the party." The 30 seconds was starting to feel like hours. I grew shaky with adrenaline, a little watery eyed from nerves, and I knew I needed to pull it together or my makeup would be ruined. "40 seconds have passed. This is ridiculous. I can't wait any longer. It's time to take action." I drop to the ground and empty my bag, searching for anything that might be helpful in helping me get the doors open. I had nothing. I knew what I had to do. Nothing was going to stop me now. I jump up, slide my feet to right throw my hands on the left door and with all my might I pushed the door. It would start to crack a little but slam closed again. This only gave me motivation. I tried again. "Almost got it." Finally, I opened enough to where I could see light and "BOOM." The elevator jolted again and all of a sudden the doors slowly opened. "I'm free!" I run out of the elevator and race towards the front. I see security and explain that I got off but they should do something so people didn't get back on there until it was checked out. I grab my uber and weave through traffic to finally reach my destination. My driver thought it was a good idea to read my palms and while he didn't see anything happening that would make him want me to get out of his car, he did express that he saw writing as a part of my career (which is actually accurate) and said I should be writing. I finally arrived at the party and had a ginormous blast...thank you QueerCon and #BugCrowd. Meanwhile, I awoke this morning and thought, "You know uber man, you're right...the world needs to hear about the fight and struggles we go through to be at DEFCON. We are committed and will stop at nothing to be there and our parties. It's scary, but we're brave." Stay tuned for more on "Adventures in DEFCON"
For those of you who don't think it's important to secure your phone, let me share all the information I was able to get off a person's phone this morning without ever opening it.
I was able to have Siri call whomever I wanted.
I was able to have Siri give me directions.
I was able to see all texts that came in because the settings allow to be seen on lock screen.
I was able to answer all incoming calls.
I knew upcoming appointments because calendar showed on lock screen.
I saw all incoming social media.
I saw all incoming messages from Facebook.
And lastly, I was able to find this persons home.
Now thankfully I'm not a bad person, but if your phone falls in the wrong hands, it could have a different ending.
I highly recommend you Go to settings and change what shows on your lock screen.
I've talked to many...it's mostly the same. We all say horrible things to ourselves or about ourselves every single day. We've somehow become or maybe always were, people that find truth in the lies we've bestowed upon ourselves and/or others bestowed. I know that we work hard to either hide this from the masses or we can even be so bold to state them aloud, but why? Lately, I've spoken to several people that either hide it well but admit they think negatively about themselves, or they constantly speak it aloud. Why do we naturally, it seems, hyperfocus on our shortcomings when there is so much good to share? I don't have the answer...I'm pondering, mainly, to figure out a reverse. What if we all saw the amazing gifts we were given? What if we looked at ourselves with loving eyes because we knew we could share our gifts? What if we learn to embrace what we feel are shortcomings and make them into challenges to overcome or things that aren't nearly as bad as the the playbook in our minds? What if what we think are shortcomings are just the thing we needed to help someone else grow stronger that in turn made us stronger? I know I struggle with it...hello I'm an actor...we're born with self doubt, but it's not just us. It's everyone. There's a deep seeded insecurity system built in that needs to be given a different job. We need to redefine it into something that builds others which in turn builds the soul. Right? Idk...just more random thoughts by this gal. #hopeithelps
Ever see a spider and your entire body freezes. Your heart is pounding. You know you should do something, move, kill it, flick it, but standing in the kill zone will likely get you bit. You don't move. You stare at the spider. Watching every creepy move it makes while you play out each scenario in your mind. If you run away, spider will be there again. You'll have to move your furniture in order to continually avoid, and if it's you he wants to eat, he'll just follow. You think of your shoe and smashing him, but if you miss he lunges at you or the ground and either your a goner or he's run into your closet with all shoes and clothes. You know flicking is a terrible idea...so you continue to stare. You stare until that moment he moves. You know if you don't move now, he will definitely get you. You quickly grab your shoe and in a Steven Seagal move you manage to smash him and you can finally breathe again. Have you ever had the exact same feelings about life? I have. I've easily avoided something I feared (even if it was a basic task) until forced to make a decision or choice. Fear brings with it so many other negative emotions that it can become difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't have a cure, but I know that when I've done these three things actively, I fear less. When I choose to face my fears, I fear less. Karaoke to face fear of singing in public, do the things I used to pay others for fear of failure to show I'm capable, you get the idea. Next, thinking of all I'm grateful for. When I think of all my blessings, it's hard to have anxiety. I think of how thankful I am for moments, people, love, and all that I get is love that fills my heart. And lastly, I love. When I show love towards others, my fears seem to fade. Helping someone in need rather than focusing on your problems will ultimately help them and heal your heart. Love more, fear less. Thought I'd share. :)
This year: I learn more how to be humble more than I ever have, I learn what it means to slow down, I learn that I have so much to learn, I learn what listening to your inner self means, I learn how to break down walls, I learn that everything I knew is all something to relearn, I learn that it's really great to learn. I hope that all I've gained in 3 months of 2017 proves how much more I have to gain for the rest of the year. I hope that at least one thing I do this year will help someone else who has faced the same strifes or similar, and I can actually do something to help them. I hope that my listening skills become greater than they ever were, and my thirst for knowledge and understanding becomes greater than they ever were. I hope I learn way more than I'm supposed to, and I hope I teach way more than I knew I could. I hope that all the skills I thought I never had, peak to where I will actually acknowledge them, and more so I hope that I encourage and empower those that doubt themselves. I know this is late in the "new year" cheer but I'm reflective, so March is where it's at. I've yet to figure out all the answers, but happy to observe the paths of others, learn from my own, and give back anything I may have to give. If you feel the same (don't feel the need to copy and paste to your wall, unless you really want to lol) just express your humanism in your words. Let's all be the ones to lift each other up and help make all of us our better selves.